The Cat's Guide to the Galaxy
by Crazy Computer Cat
Summary: What more is there to say? I am a cat lover and there are a lot of them out there. If you don't like cats, beware! Chapters 4 through 7 are now up, more complications to this twisted plot. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1: The Interruption

**CHAPTER ONE: The Interruption **

Meanwhile on Magrathea an outbreak struck the hyperintelligent pan-dimensional beings and currently alarmed them. They were being attacked. A severe and tragic war was what they had to face. They indeed did not begin this war, nor did they want anything to do with it. The occurrence just so happens that another type of mammal discovered their planet and found it a great way to get some tasty snacks. These animals were called felines.

According to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy this is what it has to say about cats:

"The slang term for a cat is the kind of woman who a man is suddenly attracted to and can hardly breathe, walk straight, think clearly, or keep his mouth closed. This will cause him to drool uncontrollably. When he approaches the woman her first reaction is to call him a ruthless moron.

Then there is the animal:

ORIGIN PLANET: Barnune (Directions: The eye on the faint Lynx constellation between Ursa Major and Gemini or B89 Area CAT Beta)

Cats like most species in the Universe come in many different varieties and personalities. However, some races do not.

Hiddleton is an unbelievably odd or more likely even planet with fuzzy brown and bronzed creatures. The species on Hiddleton come exactly identical. Repeatedly and shockingly their evolution never evolves. Their deoxyribonucleic acid inside their gene structure is permanently one-hundred-percent identical. Individuality will forever be unthinkable, it is unknown, and it is downright unpractical to the little brown-bronzed creatures. All of which are named "Mel". Their genders are the same, all of their interests, their clothes are the same, and their homes are too. Not to mention that their possessions, their pets and family members. It is all confusingly the same! The world is unattainable to tell apart. The only difference is their age and often at times they must radically perceive the exact millisecond they were born. The children on Hiddleton must learn to do their mathematics at very young ages. Sensibly, this is only because they must determine their own source of singularity.

Fortunately, cats are much easier to tell apart.

Cat's main structure includes a furry tail, whiskers, and pointed ears, giving them an impression of hairy elves. Domestic cats are sweet and cuddly. They pick to use litter boxes. Please note that you should avoid wild cats if all possible. A moment's glance of eye contact between an undomesticated cat may just be the last thing you'll ever see. A type of wild sort would be a lion.

Lions are 'King of the Forest' but most lions live their life in a dry savanna with few trees. Curiously they do tend to be lazy like most kings and sleep all day. Effortlessly letting the women complete all the challenging work. Lionesses go to hunt for food and bring it back to the pride. The bigger lions eat the juiciest parts and only leave scraps for the cubs.

After generations of time cats became sweeter and cuddlier. The Egyptians fancied them when cats paid a visit to Earth. The Egyptians praised them like Gods after seeing them arrive from the great beyond, the magnificent blue skies of heaven. Where in God's name did they come from? The cats accepted their worshipping act and allowed the Egyptians to be loyal and trusted followers. Thousands of years ago, cats were welcomed to Earth as gods and they have never forgotten this."

At the Magrathea council, the head president mouse took a few short breaths. Nervously, he made his way towards the (small for average being but large for average mouse) conference. The mouse paced around in a circle waiting to be called up from backstage. He stretched his ears upwards and listened carefully to what was being said,

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is time." the sound of a man, not a mouse, most certainly a man. His voice echoed over the microphone.

A silence struck the conference.

"Felines from Barnune are to viciously attack us and we are unprepared! My fellow citizens of Magrathea I can only hope this will turn out all right. But the one who has given us faith before, I present to you our president." he stormed behind the curtains and out of sight. He was aging slowly but didn't show it in the way he strode.

"You're up. I wish you good luck." the spokesman called.

"Thank you Slartibartfast." he piped back.

42 42 42

Heading towards Magrathea, a series of lemon shaped eyes were rapidly floating through the air. How the eyes stared, never blinking, never winking, and never dripping. The feeling was nauseating. The eyes were space ships; inside withheld the powerful godlike species from Barnune, the cats.

The space ships wobbled their way down to the ground. They were bigger than a truck. Each one could probably transport three or four cats, or one wild one. The narrow black iris on the eye opened the hatch and out emerged the commander.

She scratched an ear. Then licked a soft paw.

"Cowards!" she boomed.

Three or four mice that had not been informed about this emergency state had watched the ships land and were now scurrying away.

"Well, where are these rodents?" the commander shouted.

"Probably hiding underground." someone said.

"Hiding!" she screeched.

The cat commander dug her claws into the ground. She began to start a deep growl. Before she ended her frustration, she hissed all the way back into the spaceship.


	2. Chapter 2: No Returns

**CHAPTER TWO: No Returns**

A gorgeous purple sky, yes purple, stretched out for miles and miles. Silvery clouds sparkled in the bright orange flow of direct sunlight. The grass had a rich texture and beautiful green color. The grass was most likely less green on the other side. Best of all, there laid a quiet pond drifting out by a petite patch of cherry blossom trees. The small pink flower petals floated in the pond and the heavenly scent of cherries was in the air.

A refreshing breeze tumbled by blowing Trillian's dark hair back. She smiled and thought placid thoughts to herself. Zaphod was lying next to her grinning ear to ear pulling up grass roots and slowly chewing down of them. Obviously he was hungry.

"A dreadful place if you ask me."

Marvin had also been in the scene. He was disappointed by the whole sight. That was all there was in perspective for him.

Zaphod continued to munch down grass roots, claiming them to taste like mints. Then he began to feel sick to his stomach and stopped eating. Trillian remained tight-lipped and skeptically dipped her bare feet into the pond's water.

"In virtual reality anything is possible, life can be as perfect as you want it to be." a lively voice echoed. The man's voice came from high above the violet colored atmosphere.

Suddenly the scene vanished pixel by pixel revealing a small stubborn room with a salesperson holding on to a round compact disc. He pecked at a few buttons and jotted down sloppy notes with his ten super long fingers.

"That was zarking awesome!" Zaphod exclaimed, his stomach pains were now magically gone.

The salesperson nodded and presumed with his note taking. He spoke while he wrote,

"It's a fantastic program and it's effortless to use. Just plug it into any computer and choose the scene and characters. I would really like to show you more, but I'm afraid that was only the demo. If you desire more you'll have to buy the whole set."

"How much you want for it?" Zaphod questioned eagerly.

"Just twenty-five equapacks which is about ten million dollars, we take Visa and MasterCard."

Trillian made a minor coughing noise and nudged Zaphod to come closer.

"That's a little pricey." she muttered.

"Don't worry, baby, we won't have to pay a dime," Zaphod boasted and then turned back to the salesperson, "Do you take robots?"

Trillian gasped and shook her head violently. She wouldn't allow it.

The salesperson ignored her movements and bluntly said, "Depends, will this robot do me any good?" his colorful eyes stared reproachfully at Marvin's.

Zaphod and Trillian exchanged looks. The group of their three heads looked at each other for what felt like a long time. They were absolutely speechless. They couldn't find any words on how to describe Marvin as 'good'. Nonetheless, Marvin took a slow step forward and answered the question himself,

"I've hardly been any use to anyone. As far as I can remember I've been programmed with Genuine People Personalities at Sirius Cybernetics Corporation and was given an eternity of depression. The diodes on my left side are causing me a struggling pain but the rest of my condition is soon to rust off anyway. No point in worrying about me." he paused and commented, "No one gives the slightest of care." apathetically he lowered his head.

"Remarkable intelligence." the salesman sobbed, his mood seemed to be about at a point to burst into tears. He even stopped writing to cover up his face.

A moment's silence is a reoccurring but extremely uncomfortable circumstance to be in. It often leads to humiliation and there's really no need in that. Fortunately, this quiet horror only lasted a few seconds.

"We have a deal!" the salesman said in his bright voice again. He was talking much faster now. This was because he desperately wanted to make a closure as quickly as possible, he rung up the program carriage. "Take the virtual reality or V.R. but please read the manual first."

"Zaphod, please don't do this." Trillian protested.

"You saw what that little gadget can do! You and I can do whatever we want now."

"Yes, but only virtually. That's not the same."

The time was too late. The salesperson already handed them their receipt and program. Along with a massively heavy book that had over a thousand pages.

"Sorry, but we can't do this. Can we make a return?" Trillian asked him.

"Nope, says right here," the man had long pointed fingers they were amazingly long, he pointed from a distance "no returns, sorry."

"Well can't you make an exception or something? We made a mistake!"

Marvin sunk in a fashionable way to say farewell and at the same time hello to his new owner. He knew there was no possible way of turning back. The salesperson turned to the opposite side paying no attention to Trillian's pleads. Eventually it became easier for him once Zaphod kept trying to stop her.

"This way robot." the salesman pointed with his extra long index finger towards a door three yards away.

Behind the door, was as I'm sure you're wondering, sat an untidy personal library. If you ever experienced an unkempt room, such as your own bedroom, you know it is very baffling, you can't find anything! Relating to the laws of the universe, a library would be estimated fourteen times worse than your unclean bedroom. First of all, books easily get lost or misplaced. Bookmarks are jagged in wrong chapters inside books. How many times do bookshelves have to tip over? And of course, there are many of times when you spend half the day looking for a pair of reading glasses.

"Hello." he said to an unusual robot.

The robot, had been meekly standing behind a giant sofa that was towered with old newspapers. She was made of pink aluminum and was not very big in size. She was at most five feet tall. She had a sort of cloth that draped her entire head and body except for her perfectly circular eyes. She looked much like a woman from India. She only hummed scarcely in reply and fretfully rushed off in embarrassment.

"She's shy. I've been trying to boost her confidence level but I'm beginning to this it's a permanent state."

"GPP, I suppose?" Marvin inquired.

"No, CPA." he corrected.

That was unfamiliar to him, the salesman noticed.

"Computer Protection Agency is just an enormous computer company. Preposterous if you ask me, they are beyond protective! Every single day they jeopardize their lives for so called "conscious" machines! They are coming out with all sorts of insane unbreakable laws."

Marvin didn't bother to ask for more information.

"Meow!" said a squeaky voice.

Marvin saw below him a tiny little cat with a huge head like Marvin's. The cat was to his surprise robotic. It looked furry and lifelike but the shiny plastic eyes gave it away. Marvin at first disregarded the thing but that's when the miniature cat stumbled him over.

"Terribly sorry. Stupid cat is a menace!" he picked up the robotic cat. Her head was about the size of a volley ball and her body was about four tennis balls. The cat was indeed annoying but with its large head, highly intelligent.

"Stupid menace." she mimicked back haughtily.

"I told you to stop tripping everybody Mitchelle!"

"I didn't mean to," Mitchelle said, "Besides, I like seeing new faces." with a very mischievous laugh, the cat someway managed to smile.

Mitchelle the Menace. Troublemaker at heart, she would soon become Marvin's new companion.


	3. Chapter 3: Down the Toilet

**CHAPTER THREE: Down the Toilet**

A big greenish-blue rectangle had magnificent colors and shapes inside it's four dimensional complexity. Such glorious wonders like this are discovered and this would be called the aquarium. What makes it distinct is the fact that the water always appears different that its regular clear form. The fish and marine life float around freely until they hit the see-through glass. All very good feng shui as the Chinese explain but careful where you place it or all is hopelessly lost. The polished glass tank was three feet by eight. The plants inside were growing tremendously fast. They had already reached to the water's bubbling surface in a matter of weeks.

A shrimp sized fish swam hungrily to the flakes of food. His fins were not strong and he was at the base of the tank. At the time the larger fish were already gobbling the little fish's meal down. The poor thing was already starving. It had no choice but to swim as fast as its strength could to get up there. Weakly, the fish was feeling relentless. The fish unexpectedly felt more exhausted as they seconds ticked by. Then it couldn't see through the stiff eyes. That is when it became as lightweight as a bottle cap. The last thing it recalled was turning upside down. It was now dead.

"That's the last of that young guy." Glordelin, the salesperson said. He was the proud owner of the aquarium. But not as proud as where he put it.

The large fish tank was on the ceiling, placed where a window roof would go. The tank seemed sturdy because it was strapped with firm ropes. A ladder would allow you to climb up and have a better view of the fish but otherwise if you were properly underneath it all you would see is a bunch of gravel. Glordelin was standing on top of the ladder feeding the fish. He was sympathetic to all of his fish. He named them all, talked to them, even heard little voices in his head but that bothered him. The pain hurt terribly to see them pass away. A compassionate man he was. He wasn't afraid to cry in public. People often complained his feelings were more sensitive then most women's.

Reaching for the fish net, Glordelin winced. While at the same time in the other room Mitchelle was up to no good.

"You really ought to laugh more. You don't have to be so tense." little Mitchelle said. She had been following Marvin since she bumped into him that afternoon. The time was now getting late, the clock read around one in the morning according to Earth time.

"If you think I am going to be at all pleased with any of your nonsense then you are badly mistaken." Marvin said irritably.

"Fine, but let's do something fun for a change. I'm in a pesky mood."

"Count me out of it."

"Really, there are loads of things to do."

Mitchelle's round plastic eyes widened in excitement, she was thinking of a mischievous plan. For a while she was fully submerged into the scheme. Her tail flicked and the brown point at the tip sprang upwards.

"Is there even a pointless reason why have you been following me?"

She persistently concentrated on her idea and frankly answered back, "Nope."

A brief pause in the air and a low moan of crying from the other room was muffled. The sobbing noise was only coming from Glordelin. Mitchelle finally spoke,

"Listen to me, I once saw this strange shadow up in the attic."

Marvin's percentage of interest was small enough to fit into an atom, "Precede."

"The figure was dark and with great strong wings. So I come to believe. And I think I heard that shy robot up stairs with that creature." Mitchelle remarked and presumed, "We could go spy on them."

"Oh, there's a great idea." Marvin sarcastically complained. He began to walk away although it was no use. Mitchelle would only tag along.

"Oh please, I need your help. It's hard for me to get up the staircase."

"Don't you have anything better to do? Seriously, someone like you who can actually see a positive side of things. You may as well take it."

"Is the glass half empty of half full?" Mitchelle snickered.

"You know the answer to that and it will remain that way for the next infinite millenniums."

"I didn't mean to change the subject. Now, all you have to do is follow me. Is that so difficult?"

Why wouldn't she leave him alone? Marvin was for the most part tired. For an entire twenty seconds he thought about Trillian and Zaphod. This was an exceptionally long period of time for him considering he had them both analyzed in his memory frontward and back. Right now, he hated them. Maybe later he would think of them again. Just in a different loathing way.

They abandoned him here and he was better off being left alone in his corner on the Heart of Gold. He had adapted to this some time ago but there were plenty of times when he was left behind on some desolate planet. But no, this case was totally diverse. Some pesky little thing had to keep disturbing him every chance it had. This is what Marvin figured that he despised the most.

"I am not going to listen to an arrogant and obnoxious cat such as you. For the last time, leave me be."

Discouraged, Mitchelle miserably glanced at the floor. She was hurt by the insult but it felt more like a pinch than a deep wound, she had felt much more pain than that. The arrogant and obnoxious cat was only acting, pretending she was truly offended. This normally whacked the one who had abused her on the side of the head with guilt. Her eyes turned watery while they broke the laws of science. Transparent blue plastic with video cameras underneath did not turn watery especially if there is no water leakage located anywhere. She sighed and put on a wonderful performance of being in a state of grief.

Marvin could see all of this perfectly. Neither satisfied nor dissatisfied, he shut himself off. This pathetic situation was too impassive. Besides, he was fully aware that he was weary. When Mitchelle looked up at Marvin again and realized that he had shut down without her knowing, she at last trotted off. Her fidgety legs barely supported her head but the strength in them were powerful. She gave a giggle and ran off to do what she arranged.

A toilet flushed in the background. Glordelin came out hysterically weeping and it wasn't because of constipation.


	4. Chapter 4: Impatience

**CHAPTER FOUR: Impatient**

_**Author's Little Note: **__So... Now what happens? Let's take a look back._

"Trillian baby, are you still reading that manual?"

"Yes," she replied, "you asked me that question three minutes ago."

"Do you know how anxious I am?"

"Do you know how hard I'm working?"

Trillian worked thoroughly over by the main control area and Zaphod was in a smaller left-side room. The door was wide open and she could see him. She occasionally peered over at him but otherwise she sat there and read. Left, right, left, right, her eyes swayed back and forth skimming the sentences. Left, right, left, right, she flipped on through the pages. She was somewhere in the middle of the manual. The thickness was nearly the size of a yellow-paged phonebook.

Zaphod was wild with excitement. He was in one of those fulfilled moods. Where his emotions were a grand piano and Beethoven himself was performing one of his most complicated twenty minute symphonies. Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata would be a fine example, one of his rhythmic songs that were thorough and full of pizzazz.

Both of his minds were focusing on the virtual reality program. His next thought: Where to go? He had so many places to explore. A later thought occurred: Life was great, no doubt. He could die and come back to the real world. After that thought: What would it really be like to have three pan galactic gargle blasters? Forget it, maybe even four. Two for each of his heads.

The thoughts fizzed up in his heads much like a soda pop ready to explode once the cap was released. The sensation caused him to be impatient but the thrill was never ending.

He stood up from the uncomfortable bean bag chair. The seat was unpleasantly orange, this color glued his eyes in place. His focus was outnumbered. Then 'orangeness' suddenly lost his attention. This was sensational, he thought. He walked into the kitchen and the refrigerator door opened automatically. Leftover sushi, an entire chocolate cheese cake, chopped zucchini, Ford's new raspberry flavored beef liver, and a bunch of condiments were inside. Unfortunately, there was nothing tasty enough for him to eat. As hungry as he was, it was ironic that not even on the Heart of Gold spaceship, he couldn't find what he wanted. All of the choices didn't seem to suit him.

Raspberry flavored beef liver. Has Ford gone mad? Thinking of which, perhaps he could speak to Ford or Arthur while he had the opportunity. He didn't know where they were but they had to be located somewhere onboard. No, that wasn't completely true. For all he knew they could be on some freak planet. Besides, he hadn't seen them since they landed on Tikiwood to buy that program. The thought of the program tickled his mind once again. He simply couldn't wait much longer.

"Any way I could make myself useful?"

Trillian glared at him in disbelief.

"No, really." Zaphod continued grinning through his teeth, he actually wanted to grab the disc and get the fun started. Trillian paid mindless attention to him.

His plan was only budging. Quickly, very quickly, Zaphod leaped up from his position and jumped towards Trillian. He froze standing on one foot and switched to the other and then carelessly snatched up the disc with his third arm. That's when he began to run, very fast, because this would be his only chance.

Quick as a flash and of two minds Zaphod's heads shrieked with delight and his legs slid him into a room a few doors down. The door opened and it shut behind him with its usual remark, "Thank you for making a simple door very happy." He suddenly blacked out. He hated this because it was dreadfully dark. His worst fears were in the dark but soon discovered he could still hear Trillian's harsh words screaming behind him. That's just not right. If he was unconscious surely it would at least be quiet.

"Open up! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Zaphod figured out something, "Oh." he turned on a light switch and was glad to see again. The energy inside him sparked again once he saw a computer panel. He raced towards it leaving the door locked. He put in the program and set up everything exactly the way he watched the installation happen earlier. Except for those few little parts everybody forgets.

"Zaphod?!" Trillian shouted. She was running after him a moment ago. Her anger was still fiery, she knew and he knew that she was close to finishing the program installation. How impatient Zaphod must have been to snatch the program out of her hands. As soon as Zaphod shut the door behind her, she stood there trying to break it down. After a minute of no success, she touched the door again and somehow went through it like water. As she went through the door, it even felt like water but left no clues of wetness on her clothes. She shivered slightly, the water had been cold as ice.

Opening her eyelids from the bitter frost, she could see something shimmering. The light was a flaming torch on the aged brick wall. Her eyes curiously looked up towards the sky but it was blocked by a low brick ceiling, much like a prison cell. The filthy old bricks surrounded her. They covered up where the door used to be. Across the room, there was another door made of wood.

"Zaphod?" no reply and she spoke again, "Hello? Is anybody here?"

But not even an echo talked back. She felt lonely in this encaged room. How did she get here in the first place? She glimpsed at the door and it swayed open. She watched a six-foot tall hairy spider creep in. All eight of its legs were hideous. The torch went out and Trillian could no longer see. She held her breath and listened to the light tapping of the spider crawl in.

"I must be in virtual reality." she whispered to calm herself down.

Zaphod was somewhere else. That somewhere else is the somewhere else he wanted to be. Dazzling lights were swirling around in the huge room. They displayed hundreds of colors he had never set eyes on before. They were beyond stunning. He was lying on a cozy sheep-skin couch. He was hungry, besides, all he had to eat were grass roots. And they were virtual, they didn't settle inside his belly at all. He was sitting there being fed vanilla frozen grapes. This had a delightful taste. Beats raspberry flavored beef liver any day.

The tall blonde haired woman next to him smiled. Her teeth were perfectly white and straight. She was very beautiful, Zaphod thought. How kind she must be to be feeding him sweets with her silky smooth hands. The fingernails were round and painted a marvelous shade of magenta. He loved it here. Unfortunately, he had completely forgotten where he was. His life was too good, he was inside a virtual reality program and he accidentally threw Trillian in the complete opposite direction of this one.


	5. Chapter 5: A Guide to a Manual

**CHAPTER FIVE: A Guide to a Manual**

_**Author's Little Note: **__I don't have a clue where I thought of the idea for this. Eh, most likely Zaphod's impatience. If you want to head back to the actual story, skip this chapter, it's just a guide entry… I think it's worth the chuckle at the end, though._

Manuals these days are structured to be undefeatable to understand. This would not include the Hitchhiker's Guide the Galaxy, the book was made unique to put in relating terms that a person's ken may acknowledge and prosper from more information inside. However, this is what the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy actually has to say,

"Manuals are typed out to explain a new device you are not meant to be familiar with. For instance, if you were to buy a new portable microwave that could not just pop buttered popcorn and cook TV diners but could teleport a small animal or living being one dimension to another that would be something astonishing.

As a result this is undoubtedly a fascinating invention and is now available at your local Space-11 market. Regrettably, no one really gets how this strange thingamabob functions. Other than it is much trickier to use than your regular kitchen microwave. The inventor who believes he is so ingenious to create something like this says, "Oh my, someone ingenious as me would only know how to work this thing. I do not have the time to explain to everybody personally how this thing works so I'll sell it with a pack of instructions." quoted originally by Starkledee des Manual, year 3426.

Ever since Starkledee des Manual created the teleporting microwave, he wrote a sufferable and irritating list of instructions. When later inventors came up with new ideas, they too needed to explain their contraptions, not personally, but by a booklet of instructions. But again and again, it didn't make any sense to anybody. The critics called these "manuals" the good ones were called "guides" by Lendle Guide who answered the prayers of understanding how to set up a MP3 player, particularly the iPod.

Polls have been set up to figure out just how many people really do read their manuals first. The first option was "Put the manual aside or throw it away." The second choice was, "Read the first page or two and give up." The third choice pointed out to, "Skim nearly half way through it then nod your head as if you understand." And the last, "Read all of it and rant on about it throughout the day. Only 7 have chosen the fourth option and a total of 44 have done the first. Goes to show, manuals are downright complicated."


	6. Chapter 6: The Useless Contract

**CHAPTER SIX: The Useless Contract**

_**Author's Note: **__This is so sad. ToT I even regret what I wrote. Well, I guess I tried to make it that way... ;;_

Nothing appeared bright. The air was stiller than a statue. The room was very dark, pitch black. Not one of those threatening blacks that would creep out with monstrously extended spiders and evil murderers of the night but the dismal shadowy kind. A blend of infrared color suddenly shined inside the room giving it a love sickening appeal. Marvin found himself alone, as he may have preferred if he was set for more preferences instead of dreading everything. He didn't have much of an excuse to turn himself on at this occasion.

Dong! Dong! Dong!

An ancient grandfather clock rested upon the wall. The noise throbbed in Marvin's head fairly well and disturbed him. Yes, it's three in the morning; I know that now, thank you. After the ringing and the room stopped echoing Marvin contemplated. Mitchelle disappeared, very well. Unwillingly, he understood if he stood in that spot any longer he would most likely fall apart. He moved past the side of the room where a narrow hallway led to a stairway leading down. A basement was sensed by him at the bottom of the stairs.

There was nothing left to do; he headed over to that direction. While he climbed down the stairs there was a light bulb hanging above him with a cord. Pulling the cord, the glowing light particles from the bulb collapsed. They hit one another with a painful "oof" and bashed into the wall creating artificial light. The red light was overwhelmed by the white.

This was no ordinary basement. First of all, it was decorated far too nicely. There were reflective metal file cases stacked on top of one another. Surrounding them, were fake green plants with exotic wild flowers. An array trapped a collection of lifeless butterflies that hanged on the walls inside glass frames. The scent wasn't that horrible either, normally basements smelled like mildew or unbearable dusty air. But this wasn't what Marvin considered. His concentration was on the familiar stack of papers lying on the table.

The papers were neatly unfolded with crisp line markings. Marvin saw them yesterday. The paperwork was with Glordelin while he was filling them out frantically. He was multitasking as he explained to Trillian and Zaphod how great the virtual reality program was. Marvin carefully studied it from the table:

Virtual Reality Trade System Contract

In order to precede the final payment of Tikiwood's Virtual Reality Computer Program (T.V.R.C.P.) the consumer must either pay a full price of  twenty five equapacks  (cash/credit/debit/check) or the retailer may choose to accept trading item(s).

The trading item must be in a fair condition. As a salesperson you have the right to rip the buyers off by bluffing to them that the item is worth buying the T.V.R.C.P. for a good deal. The item may actually be worth thousands more. There are no significant guarantees. In order, if they are highly ripped off they will never be able to make an exchange or return. Do pay close attention that the item should be worth the price of at least twenty five equapacks. Most importantly the item should be valuable to the retailer. If the retailer wishes, he or she may sell that item for later use or keep it as his or her own.

For the item to be legally his or her own the original owner must sign agreeing to give away that item for the T.V.R.C.P. If the original owner does not sign the item does not belong to the retailer.

I the owner(s) of this item: Sirius Cybernetics Robot with GPP Programming accept this offer and will allow the retailer: Glordelin Q. Task to own my item from now on.

Please sign below: (if more than four owners please sign on the back.)

X

X

X

X

There was a blank space in the signing area. There was no name or sloppy signature filled in the bareness. Nobody had signed it. Not even a trace of an ink blot. The contract itself explained that the trading item, or in this case Marvin, was not legally the seller's until the original owner signed. Glordelin didn't possess him. Nobody did, nobody ever, ever did. If you still wanted to count Trillian and Zaphod but they never actually owned him either. The only reason he left was because he was asked to. But he was never technically asked to stay. This clearly meant he was free to leave.

Merely an insufficient day felt like he had been dropped off a millennium ago. Maybe it actually had been a millennium. Perhaps Marvin's date and time properties were all screwed up, did it really matter anymore? No, it didn't. He was tedious of the years that he was faced to be alone. His luck would allow him to speak with an unintelligent mattress or encounter a teleporting microwave.

"Somewhere, but not here." thought Marvin.

Not quite a superior thought. Far from being content but the quiet air was still still. Not even a faint creak in the floor cracked open as he began to trudge up the stairs. Marvin already knew everything was lost. He recalled a faint memory, a splash of color, and then nothing.


	7. Chapter 7: Odd Behavior

**CHAPTER SEVEN: Odd Behavior for All**

_**Author's Little Note: **__I figured that after this chapter you might start to hate me. (If you haven't already, mwahaha...) The characters don't quite act like themselves but seriously, who doesn't like comical irony? Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are in this chapter! Yaaaay! If you want a slash, I'm okay with it. _

"571, 572, 573, 574, 575, 576, 577, 578, screw it."

Arthur observed upwards and to his disappointment only saw more stairs to go up. All morning long, he had been climbing up this troubling staircase. Four pastel green walls were surrounding him each a yard away from the banister that took shape of a long spiral. His legs were aching from climbing up five hundred and seventy-eight steps. The more he climbed the farther away he seemed from the top. How was this possible? Maybe the improbability drive sent him here. But it rarely took two hours until they had normality again. Besides he had figured out that he had climbed up more or less than fifty floors, the Heart of Gold wasn't that many floors.

Two hours ago is when he entered the room from one of the doors onboard the ship. He had never gone inside that room and was bored enough to uncover the mystery of what was inside it. Arthur went through the door and it locked itself tight from the outside. He thought he was trapped for good. There was no way out except going upstairs. There was nothing else in the room. Turns out, his idea was a really bad one.

Arthur sat down on the step he was on and cursed a few times. He was most likely stuck up here forever. Arthur Dent's death: On the 578th step when tested upon the impossible staircase. At least he didn't have a headache. He never wanted to go to heaven with a headache. His hands thumbed inside his robe pockets, he still had the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy with him. The information put in there was normally useless. Maybe, he wondered, an idiot like him wrote down something that would be of some help. He typed in impossible staircases:

"Most commonly found inside optical illusion books, where you cannot figure out whether or not the stairway is going upwards or down, you can bump into them with improbable circumstances. If you ever find yourself on either of these planets listed below you can visit them for they are extremely proud that they manipulated their form (Askulafarpom, Cheloks, Elp Treino, Aerowalsh, Wargagnonmorthmibed III, Sandplox"

Arthur read on through the long list of bizarre names of planets that he never heard of before. He found all of the names preposterous and none of them were peaceful sounding as Earth. He presumed on:

"These planets have dumbfounded hundreds of millions of people. Each and every one gave up trying, died, or went insane. One infamous creature, Trino Gravalloper from Sandplox, figured out how to reach the "bottom" of the staircase on the popular tourist site of the incredible Bottomless Stairs. He simply did it by jumping off. No one knows what happened to Trino. The news repeatedly reported that he died because they couldn't find his body as many stairs as they went down. They climbed down searching as many as 500,000 steps. There was no understanding where he went. Whenever they threw an object down it vanished out of sight and didn't reappear. They figured he was sucked into some perplexing vortex by his dare devilish act.

If you want to make your own impossible staircase you will need the following: Two identical five dimensional black holes, two extra-large mirrors (two-thirds the size of the black hole), one mirror five times larger than the black hole, two ten-or-more steps for your staircase, and constructive super duper glue.

The first step for doing this properly is harnessing the black holes in place. They should both be approximately two light years apart. Then connect the staircases to each of the two-third sized mirrors with the constructive super duper glue. When the staircases are dried onto the mirrors allow each of the black hole's gravitation force pull them inwards. Then put up the giant mirror (should have reflective mirror on both sides) and allow it to float in space parallel as you push the two black holes only five feet away apart from another. One black hole should be on top of the mirror and the other should be at the bottom. This is extremely difficult to do because you must put the black holes in the place at the exact same time or else one of the black holes will swallow the mirror. If you succeed then the black holes will rest there and cannot decide who should take it.

When you look into the mirror it bounces off the reflection of the parallel universe at the other end with the smaller mirrors within it. The staircase should still be attached and you can see that because of the mirrors it bounces back and forth infinitely creating an impossible staircase that has no beginning or end.

To some, impossible staircases are beautiful and full of surprises. These people are called stairlings who come to see the Universe's greatest and best architectural structures. Stairlings are normally amateurs but don't be surprised if you find one making a good profit. They fully understand the construction of creating them than anybody else does.

Impossible staircases are a work of art. They take many years of slow progress and when completed the accomplishment is magnificent. Many enjoy the features of impossible staircases."

'A work of art?' If something aggravating and confusing like this was resembled to a work of art than he must be a magnificent must-see fine work of art himself. Yes, Arthur Dent thought proudly: I must be more popular than the Mona Lisa. Just think, that was only on planet Earth! I wonder what universal artist painted some galaxy far away that even more people are inspired by. He experienced a special feeling about this and his insignificance was put aside. Yet he only survived off this emotion for five minutes and later caught insight of his stupidity again.

In the meantime, around the other areas of the spaceship, Ford Prefect was running. Not jogging but most sincerely running. Ford was not fond of runners; he for some reason undertook unfriendliness to runners. He would gaze at them on the sidewalks going five miles per hour like maniacs. What Ford desperately wanted to know was: what were they running from? Guessing, Ford tried to figure out where they first came from. This ended up being their home, either an apartment or house. Whichever runner stepped out wearing a sweatshirt and pants would carry along a music player in hand, water bottle in the other one, and then dash out. Rental prices and mortgages must have been shockingly high because Ford did not see any other relation to this behavior at all.

Ford was affected inordinately by his bad dream. This was why he was running. He knew he shouldn't have stayed up watching horror movies but he had nothing better to do. Ford was concerned that he was alone and the bad people in his dreams were going to torture him. First the threats, than the blood, and he imagined the awful pain. He experienced enough of his life for pain. Shouting aloud for anybody around, his dream became more realistic by the second. Ford really didn't want to be alone. His fears would vanish once he found someone to be with. But where were Zaphod and Trillian? What about Arthur?

"Arthur?" he ran shouting into one room.

"Trillian?" he rang into the other.

"Zaphod? Where is everybody?" Ford came to a stop when a couple minutes passed. There after, he did what he naturally did: don't panic. He sat down and immediately relaxed his body and soul.

"Hi there!" Eddie, the shipboard computer's energetic voice spoke up, "I picked up distressful tones from your voice. Do you need anything? Just name it!"

Ford almost laughed. He had just panicked. He had to admit it was very stupid. He was of course ashamed. Something must have been very wrong with him today. "So what did you think? I panicked. Rather a rare thing that happens."

"Yes, Mr. Prefect, is there anything I can do to make your day easier for you? Or at all, happier, cheerier, more self-satisfying, less stressful," Eddie was sure not to stop.

"Sure, tell me where the others are." He sat crossed legged, nearly about to do a little yoga to sooth his mind. Panicking was a waste of time.

"Mr. Beeblebrox is currently inside a virtual reality program and is enjoying himself with young, beautiful woman snacking on vanilla frozen grapes. While Ms. McMillan was accidentally sent inside the virtual reality program as well. She went to a cell with fearsome monsters. And you will find Mr. Dent swearing to himself on the five hundred and eighty-seventh step in the staircase room. He will not be finished until his exercise needs for the day are completed, which is the six hundredth step."

Ford stood up. It was time to take charge. Zaphod was getting too much attention and he didn't deserve it. He hated the fact that Trillian was being tortured. Since when did Arthur exercise? That didn't sound right.

"All right. Computer, can you send Zaphod and Trillian back from the virtual reality program and let Arthur out of the staircase room?"

"Sure can!" Eddie was thrilled he could do something useful. "Please wait one moment."

Ford waited. Out of thin air Zaphod and Trillian reappeared right in front of him. Trillian looked like she had experienced enough disgust and torture to vomit. Zaphod had his mouth ajar, waiting for another grape. Arthur was nowhere to be found.

"Can I have another grape?" Zaphod's eyes were closed.

"You idiot! Don't ever do something like that again!" she hit him on the head. Zaphod woke.

"What happened?"

Trillian walked away trembling. She was really irritated by him. The expression on Zaphod's face looked tired and hungry. Zaphod still didn't physically eat anything. At the moment Arthur walked into the room with sore, aching legs. He looked up at them and tried to shrug off what had happened to him earlier.

"What has everyone been doing while I was away?"

"I was eating but now I'm starving." Zaphod spoke feebly.

"I panicked," confessed Ford. "And Arthur, since when do you exercise?"

"As for me, I was nearly eaten by maggots." Trillian called from the kitchen.

Arthur nodded. What a strange day this had been and it wasn't just strange for him.


End file.
